Time management and Coaching

I was reflecting on a client's key concern from a few years back today. She was mainly focused on "time management", a concept that I have since learned is a coaching red flag to me. At the time, I took her challenge at face value. As we worked on it, however, she became more frustrated. We looked at the thinking behind why she thought this was a target area, how it was impacting her work/team/life, what was at stake for her, what was her ideal reality. But she seemed blocked at every turn. Her frustration mounted as she seemed strangled by the things that "dropped" into her calendar, the result on her mood, her sense of hopefulness for the future, her level of patience in dealing with staff/clients/supervisors/colleagues. Clearly, she was losing control over time. We looked at her approach to her work: what's important to you here, why do you feel so obligated to accept all of these meeting, how do you know time management is the issue, what's your best thinking about getting a handle on this. We looked at her calendar and she categorized what she was spending her time on: what's yours, what belongs to others, what is top priority, what relates to your role/responsibilities/growth areas. We examined risks of saying no to requests for meetings, delegating attendance, etc. And we continued to work on this plus her thinking behind it and her approach with people when she was feeling particularly frazzled. And we would repeat this to little impact session after session, mostly. She frequently changed or dropped coaching appointments or arrived breathless and late. In the end, this was an unsuccessful experience all around. We came to our conclusion for our engagement, having lost several appointments in between and she postponed our concluding conversation, never to reschedule. Her calendar was too full. She did not respond to a feedback tool I used at the time nor my attempts to reach out, offer support at her leisure. Basically, she vanished. In addition, her goals were not achieved, her mountain of "time management" remained unmoved.

Years later, I find I think about her and that experience alongside a more recent client with new eyes and I something very different from what I thought we were working on. The sense that "time management" is still a coaching red flag remains. However, my hunches about possible roots to this has shifted. Now I ask, what's behind that? Why is it about managing time? If you weren't managing time, what would you be free to do? What else could you manage in relation to time? How do you see time and calendar commitments? How do you WANT to see them? My more recent experience with a client present with similar frustration - though she never pointed to her calendar as the core issue - and reactions to the world revealed her desire to be less breathless in life and work. When we dug beneath this to find what she really wanted (as opposed to what she was currently feeling / facing and DIDN'T want) she found she sought harmony. Harmony. In other words, when she felt breathless, the opening to the right path was to ask, "Is breathlessness connected to the cause or the result?" It was the result of a lack of harmony. Now, when I look back to my "time management" client I wonder if time management was the real issue. Her reaction to a lack of time to do the things she wanted, needed, were expected in a reasonable and manageable way was the real issue. In other words, I think her challenge was really about control: her calendar had it, her bosses / clients / direct reports had it, she perceived (perhaps rightly so) that everyone and everything else in her world had control over her EXCEPT her. The result, she was breathless, unfocussed, frustrated, confused, upset. Where was her sense of control.

I really wish I could work with her again; this could be the angle she seeks.

Am I doing this Coaching thing right?

Coaching FAQ: Am I doing this coaching thing right / Is it making a difference?
A1: You will know if you are "doing" coaching "right", so to speak, if you achieve movement. If:

• you feel CHALLENGED, PUSHED, and STRETCHED both inside and outside of the coaching conversation, this is good. It's a bit like physical training: to build muscle, you have to warm up, break a sweat, stretch. 
• the conversation CONTINUES to play on your mind once you leave the conversation, this is good. The saying is: oftentimes, the best coaching session happens between coaching sessions.
• as a result of the work within the conversation, you INTENTIONALLY MAKE CHANGES to your own thinking and behaving and relating, this is good. Better still, if you share those changes with others, including your coach, you are more likely to make them stick and stay committed to a path. 
• you know what to watch for, ASSESS and COURSE ADJUST based on the RESULTS you are getting from the changes you make, this is good. This is the feeling of being in the driver's seat where you make the decisions, you make the movement happen and you take responsibility for results and how you will treat them. 
• you achieve SUCCESS based on the above, this is good. 
• you ATTRIBUTE each success to your intentional changes, celebrate these results, use this mastery experience to reach out for more challenges, find yourself in your dream (with that "pinch me" sense), if you share your story with others and use the words, "I did this myself", this is good. 

At the end of every day, there is you. Just you. Only you. Powerful you. In other words, coaching should feel initially uncomfortable, like you are learning a new language and forcing yourself to practice until you achieve comfort and competence. But, in the end, just like no one can learn a foreign language for you, if you attribute your success to your application, to your vision, values, will, persistence, resilience, perseverance, resourcefulness, creativity, humility, courage and care, you are "doing" coaching right, you have impact.  

Habits and Practices

The question of how habits connect with practices came up with a colleague this week. "Well, isn't a habit the same as a practice," she asked. "No," I immediately replied. Habits are unintentional and outside of our control; we can excuse them or use them as a free pass. "Sorry, I didn't mean to disrespect you by cutting you off mid sentence. It's a habit." Practices are intentional and within our focused control. "Sorry, I didn't mean to disrespect you by cutting you off mid sentence. I am working on my practice of good listening so I am going to sit back now and listen to what you say without interrupting".

My suggestion is that habit and practice are not synonyms for the simple reason: INTENTIONALITY.

When we engage in a habit, we tend to strip ourselves of intentionality. Habits don't require reflection on where they came from, how we built them into our lives, how they impact us on a daily basis, what it would take to dismantle the ones that no longer serve us or how to spawn more of the "good" habits we have. Without reflection, language and attention around habits, even if they are "good" habits (so to speak), we can never pass them on to others in a meaningful way. We may also spend inordinate amounts of time struggling against our habits. They become forces to be battled and may even interfere with our progress or that of those around us. Said another way, habits are accidents: some happy accidents, some not so much. We have no way of influencing which habits will stick with those around us and we are helpless in influencing what sticks within us without intention behind it.

So, what if you could influence these accidents so that they become constructive and intentional?

This is where practice comes in. Practice moves us towards our goals due to the intention and focus we place around each practice. Practice helps us participate actively in constructing our best outcomes. Practice is about the focus it takes to prepare for, move towards, teach ourselves and others about what it takes to reach forward to our goals. Practice helps us prepare for the world, allows us to make mistakes, be compassionate in doing so - we are learning on purpose - and strengthens us because we are moving towards the progress we seek, not pulling against the obstacles we fail to understand. Think about it. A cellist practices to improve her skill. She breaks down, focuses her energy and attention on that single note in all its minutia so that she can understand it, understand herself within it and move her work, her whole person towards her goal of a concert virtuoso. I love this quote...

In other words, our practices serve us.

If I think about myself, I engage in practices that involve sound: I have a practice for "getting into the space" through listening to particularly vibrant music before I work with a coaching client. I also listen to classical music as part of my "washing off" practice when leaving my day of coaching behind. Both practices serve to put me into and out of the deep focus that's necessary to be with my clients, prepared to be nowhere else, leaving them capable of proceeding further once we conclude our conversations and for being my best self when I move back into my own life. These daily practices serve my work, serve my clients, serve me, serve the ones I love. It's a win-win-win-win all the way around.

Cycle this forward: I would love to learn about the practices you engage in that serve you, move you forward? How often do you engage in these practices? (Psst: think about the cellist! If he really wants to improve, can he truly move in that direction if he only practices once in a while?)

Coach as ...

I have been thinking about the notion of "Coach as ..." and what clients seek alongside of what I, as a Certified Coach offer. In beginning this formal coaching journey over 2 years ago, I was focused on "Coach as thought-partner". To me, during my learning, it made sense that a coach would partner with a client on equal ground to think through issues, challenges, opportunities. This moved on to developing and expanding the client's key growth areas, expanding into their strengths, drawing awareness out about their internal challenges and perceived weaknesses and shifting perspective on what they may have thought were absolutes in their lives. But what else can a Coach offer? What else have I experienced and been able to offer? Moreover, what's next?

What about "Coach as process partner"?

What about "Coach as action-partner"?

What about "Coach as cheerleader"?

What about "Coach as combat-partner"? So far, not too many of my clients have solicited this kind of approach. I envision it sounding like this: "I want you to challenge me. Whatever I say, I want you to interrogate, disbelieve, outright oppose." For some reason, that appeals to my sense of challenge. I love it when the energy in the room goes up and the topic becomes tense, almost too hot to touch. The caveat here, for me as Coach, is that the energy must still be playful. In other words, we can get intense, debate, raise our voices, so long as the desired outcome is honourable. We debate and challenge the process, thinking, assumptions, perceptions in the spirit of creating something greater rather than debating the essence of the person being right / wrong, good/bad. Dichotomies of this/that with no flexibility in between have limited place in coaching, I find. There is always a third, fourth, fifth option. But sometimes, we need an aggressive approach that forces us to look at those.

Yes, I have blogged before...but where?

Yes, I have blogged before. No, I don't really remember where I "put" those last collections. One was for fun ("Stuff I Don't Get") and the other was for my Coaching business (which will continue, once my business advisor gets over the fact that I have created yet another blog when the first one is not overly lively; really, I am working on understanding WHAT I am doing as well as WHY, which will take time). But yes, I probably have the access info written somewhere. So, who cares. Now, perhaps, is simply a better time to blog "like my life depends on it". Thanks, Angie, for the nudge!

So, when I think about what I am learning that is relevant and compelling right now, I have to say that I am learning a lot about the context in which I work as well as the content with which I work and the people with whom I work. I am a Certified Executive Coach. My work currently overflows with coaching leaders at all levels within an organization. A large organization although my focus is on one section of the organization. Questions arise in my mind as I track themes, impact statements, impact value, goals and other elements of feedback from my conversations. And I always come away with something interesting that makes me think. This is likely where this blog will go. For now, however, it's just going to get off the ground with a simple question: if you knew success were absolutely assured in anything you turned your mind, hand, heart, team or attention to, what would you do? For me, if I assume my life depends on it AND I know I will be successful, I find the focus to start this blog. What about you?